The Art of Conversation

Perhaps I should have labeled this entry, "the dying art of conversation." I have no right to complain. I'm not a particularly good conversationalist. But I think laptops, ipods, and smart phones are cutting into our already shrinking opportunities for real, live, face-to-face conversation. And let's face it, carrying your side of a good conversation is a 'use it or lose it' skill.

I'm home alone a lot these days, not engaging in verbal intercourse for many hours at a stretch. Sometimes, when I finally have someone to talk to, I kind of bubble over and overwhelm my poor listener with a long unbroken rant. There is no conversation under these circumstances because the victim with whom I am trying (unsuccessfully) to interact beats a hasty retreat to avoid being trapped by another monologue. By the time I realize what has happened it is too late. I am left with regrets and no one to tell them to.

What is the solution?

I think I need to relearn the skill of conversation the same way I would become proficient at a game; I need to practice. But first I need some ground rules. Below is my attempt at drafting guidelines for promoting good conversation. I hope someone will comment on and perhaps improve on my ground rules. It would be almost like having a conversation.

1. Establish a topic.

It's easier to successfully start a conversation if you begin with a topic of mutual interest. I've thought about inviting people to a party and asking them to wear stickers on which they would write desired topics of conversation. I suppose I could post topics I'd like to talk about on Craig's List and invite people to meet me at a cafe.

2. Take turns.

Even though I suffer from Inappropriate Communication Syndrome (see http://turtletodragonfly.blogspot.com/2007/05/delightfully-inconsistent.html for more on ICS) I really do want to hear what you have to say. It's like I accidentally get on the freeway when I really want to be on a surface road with all the amusing scenery, opportunities to stop for a snack, and potential unexpected side trips. Maybe I could train myself to stop talking after no more than 60 seconds and ask, "So, what do you think about that?"

3. Listen.

This is the really hard one. I'm usually so nervous about thinking up something interesting to say I don't fully listen to the other person. Even if I manage to come up with something witty it has nothing to do with the other person's contribution to the conversation. What I hope will be an interaction quickly becomes a form of parallel play. Wasn't I supposed to leave that behind with my toddlerdom?

4. Disagree respectfully.

I would like to be able to share and hear different points of view, but I'm afraid someone will not agree with me. I'm 54 years old. I should be beyond worrying someone won't like me, but that sort of thing just does not go away. How about if I always say, "I respectfully disagree," and use the person's name? I would then explain my reasons for feeling differently without belittling the other person and with genuine interest in how we each came to different conclusions. I would just have to hope everyone I talk with would do the same if they disagree with me.

Please comment if you have any ideas or thoughts about my groundrules. I'd like to do something to promote conversation. This is the first step.